#TBT That moment when a mother hears for the very first time that something is terribly wrong with her child.
That moment when all of my fears turned into reality. When my sanity was no longer in question, but the well-being of my precious little boy, just 19 months old.
The best way to offer to you my feelings is to try to paint a picture for you with words:
There I sat, after 18 months of being concerned only to be told none of it was real.
Up to that very moment I questioned my sanity.
(Actually, I questioned my sanity beyond that. It was when the results of the MRI came back.)
I continually questioned, "What is wrong with me?"
"Why is it I keep feeling deep down, in the pit of my being, that something is terribly wrong with my baby?"
Over and over, I had been told "He's okay. He will outgrow... He will catch up to the others, just be patient."
"Maybe I should seek help for myself and leave my child alone."
"Then again, it is haunting me. I will sacrifice my sanity to help my child. He NEEDS me."
It wasn't until April 2007, when I was at another pediatric specialist with my son. This time, a pediatric neurologist.
Brendon was being evaluated to "rule out" any neurological issues.
The last specialist, a pediatric orthopedist - a second opinion, saw "something" that did not have an orthopedic epidemiology (a word I didn't fully understand at the time, meaning: the branch of medicine that deals with the incidence, distribution, and possible control of diseases and other factors relating to health).
But, when I made the appointment I was simply "ruling out" neurological.
So, I was reassured by those who surrounded that this would just put my mind at ease.
Were they meaning my "crazy mind"? So maybe after this reassurance I should seek help and leave my poor son alone.
However, I just can't shake the feeling that he NEEDS me desperately to help him with something.
After all, I AM his mother. I know him. I bonded with him long before he was ever born. We were connected physically...now emotionally AND spiritually.
After the neurologist examined Brendon, so sweet and willing to be there, just 18 months old. Him, sporting his bright blue eyes and his big thick blonde locks of curls. So innocent, so curious, so happy, so loving, so smart, so inquisitive...SO AMAZING.
Then it HIT...HIT SO HARD like I under attack.
At first, I had no idea WHAT hit me. It felt like something came up and kicked me in my stomach, leaving me grasping for breath. I felt like I was beginning to suffocate.
The only comfort was to look over at my precious boy, simply being Brendon, happily playing.
My healthy child, with a crazy mother has CEREBRAL PALSY.
How? What? Where?
A MRI is necessary to determine if he had had a stroke or has a brain tumor.
WHY DID WE HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG TO LEARN THIS? WHY? WHY? WHY?
The fear and the questions flooding my mind all at once...all the while, I'm trying to breathe.
My saving GRACE at that very moment of excrutiating desperation was Brendon, so pure...forever keeping me focused.
This #journey has taught the greatest lesson I can ever learn:
#LOVE conquers all!
#momlife #parenting #momonamission#pediatricstroke #neurology #pediatricstrokeisreal#childhoodstroke #kidshavestrokestoo #stroke#pediatrics #pediatrician #paediatrics #love#surrender #specialneeds #cerebralpalsy#adversity #nolabels